75 pounds of flesh

I need to write this.  If I do, then perhaps I will have a virtual reminder that everyone I know who reads this will know the exact number. 

You see, I was raised on lard and butter.  And I like it. And I like foods that are not good for me.  And I like to drink.  And Splenda makes me throw up a little in my mouth.  I collect cookbooks.  I think a meal of cassoulet and french bread is a gift from the gods.  Julia Child and Ina Garten are two rockin' bitches in my book.  And my job is mentally and physically exhausting.  And I really don't LIKE to exercise.  It's a chore to me.  And when something is a chore, I don't really do it all that much (if you want to truly believe that statement, come look at the state of my bathroom). 

All this is to say that, over the past eight years, with the help of inactivity, a craving of french fries, periods of depression with resulting medications, school and my own apathy, I have gained 75 pounds.  I thought I was heavy then, at 160.  Now, as of this morning, I weigh:

236.6 pounds.

I know I can't change this overnight.  I didn't get this way overnight.  But I need to try.  My heart, my bones, my LOWER BACK, my whole body really needs some relief.  And so does my psyche. 

Please know that I'm NOT writing this for an apologetic and sympathetic response.  I don't want pats on the head or reminders that I'm beautiful on the inside.  I just felt like I needed to make it known to the internet galaxy so I'd have a level of accountability.

Enough is enough.

PS - I know... KNITTING BLOG.  I'm still working on October Frost.  I'm on the first sleeve.  All other body parts complete.  It's going to be really pretty, whenever I finish it.  See Ravelry for proof of existence. Also, I bought five patterns today on Twist Collective.  Those designs are bangin.'

Comments

[ann]

You CAN do it. It's a journey, and it won't be easy. But it is POSSIBLE -- and there are people all along the way to cheer you on.

PS. I will be at Knit-Nosh Friday, and then at late night next week (my spring break!). Hope to see you at some point! Missing you!!

[Carol]

They are truly wonderful. I bought five patterns myself (four sweaters and one pair of socks).

[amanda]

Your blog is whatever you want it to be. If, in addition to knitting, you want to use it for accountability - have at it!
I second Ann - if you're not happy with where you are, you CAN do it. No one's sayin' you need to give up those fries and cassoulet, either - you just need to eat them in more moderation.
And the exercise? Well - fortunately, with spring coming (it is, really. right?), exercise can be as simple as going for a walk. It's not so much what you do as getting moving. I hate exercise with a passion, so when I find something I enjoy, I stick to it like glue. For me, it's Pilates and walking. That's it. I lost 40 lbs doing that and eating better.
Of course, I've put some of that back on over 10 years, but I digress. ;)

[Elspeth]

Let's have a Kick The Weight party. Once a week? We email the number. We can do THIS. You, me, Ann, Dani, whoever else wants to join. The jiggles? You are on notice, bitches.

[Sara]

Dude, I feel you. Changing the way you eat, especially when it means giving up foods you love, is so fucking hard. No pats on the head here, but how about a terrorist fist-bump of solidarity?

[danielle]

*hug* I completely understand where you're coming from. Like E said, we've got this amazing network of friends, the least we can do is take full advantage of it to help ourselves through life's little hiccups. How many calories do hiccups burn?

[Michelle]

I'm so with you. Over the last 4-5 years I have gained at least 35lbs that I could easily live without.

Also as someone who was raised an house with a freshly made cake always present, it's hard to give up sweets.

Count me in for any kind of challenge/support system/whatever.

[Erin]

My doctor wrote me a letter. Actual pen and paper. And the letter said she was afraid I might die of a stroke or heart attack because my cholesterol was so high. She WROTE ME A LETTER.

Even though I don't have much weight to lose, I have to drop my cholesterol by 50 points. Count me in, too, for any challenge/support system/whatever. Lord knows, I need it.

You're going to be great. Change is hard, but we'll be your resources when you need us!!

[Kel]

Alright, I need to jump on the accountability train too, because I need to lose at least 50 pounds (last time I got weighed at the doctor I was 187 and I think I gained a few more pounds since then). You'd think since my mom died of diabetes and all I might want to do SOMETHING about not getting it? Maybe?

[Robin]

Even small changes in diet and exercise/moving more can make a really big difference!! The fact that you're focusing on it will make a big difference - we don't realize how many things we do without thinking about it. Don't cut out the things you love as you'll be destined to fail - my credo is, everything in moderation. After years of obsessing and denial and starving myself, I finally found my "set point" for the past 10 years and have been there pretty much the whole time - it's not skinny but it's healthy, for me.

[Laura]

Been there-- AM that. I'm trying to do the Wii Fit every day that I'm not working, but it's fiercely difficult-- I'm exhausted with the night shifts-- and even after doing a couple of 12's on days, it takes almost a day to recover. I just keep trying, and hoping it'll "take".